LOADING STORE PHOTOGRAPHY
PARASITE PANAMA / 16
i pooped a worm.
Nine minutes as Patient Zero. Then the sauerkraut confessed.
I saw it. I panicked. I opened TikTok and received twelve diagnoses, three parasite cleanses, one invitation to drink something stored beside paint thinner, and a wellness account explaining that doctors fear cloves.
For nine extraordinary minutes, I was Patient Zero.
Then the sauerkraut confessed. Honestly, I preferred the worm.
—
CHECKING THE SHELF
- - P·R sleeve print, 1.4in wide, lower right sleeve
- - “pattern recognized” printed inside the back collar
PATTERN RECOGNIZED
GASTROENTEROLOGY & INTERNET RESEARCH
16 / PARASITE PANAMA
ITEMQTYSTATUS
- horrifying bathroom discoveryQTY1STATUSconfirmed
- immediate loss of composureQTY1STATUScomplete
- TikTok parasite experts consultedQTY47STATUSnone licensed
- dewormers added to cartQTY6STATUSabsolutely not
- herbal potion from an undisclosed forestQTY1STATUSspiritually potent
- turpentine on a sugar cubeQTY1STATUSdeclined; still using organs
- cloves described as “what they fear”QTY14STATUSthey remain unafraid
- farewell text draftedQTY1STATUSembarrassingly dramatic
- actual parasiteQTY0STATUSnot found
- fermented cabbageQTY1STATUSidentified
- PRELIMINARY DIAGNOSIS
- worm
- SECOND OPINION
- also worm, but on TikTok
- LAB RESULT
- sauerkraut
- TIME SPENT AS PATIENT ZERO
- 9 minutes
- POTIONS PURCHASED
- legally, none
- DIGNITY RECOVERED
- no
- RETURN POLICY
- gastrointestinal discoveries are final